Why the constant questions?

Why can’t be brain just be at ease? Why can’t I just look at my life in the here and now and be satisfied enough to live in it free of future worries. I have only been in this job for around three months, and already am I thinking about what the future holds. Before coming to Japan on JET, I had been so sure that I would do the full five years, living it up in Nagasaki like a pro teacher, satisfied and pro active everyday. Maybe I had my expectations raised too high. After just a couple of months I realized that I was only in this for the mid way hall, thinking I’m going to do around 2 or 3 years, depending on various factors of course, one being future job prospects. Knowing that teaching is now off the cards as a permanent job, I’m left with the bone crushing question ‘So, what are you going to do then?’.

I can’t stop thinking about it, it’s almost become obsessive. Like a cat chasing a lazer light, sometimes I feel like I’ve almost got the answer, my hands hovering over the key to my future happiness, when it evades me once more. It’s frustrating, and results in a messy apartment that reflects my currently disorganization state of mind. I long for a job where I am jumping for joy most mornings, excited for the day ahead. Don’t get me wrong, I do love my job, and I especially love my students. I must admit though, on the days where I go to my Inaka school, I do have that twinge of excitement, the mental image of all my favorite students easing me into a state of complacency which is almost enjoyable.

Perhaps it’s the environment? Confined to wearing certain clothes, I find it impossible to express myself in the way I wish I could,  my creativity stamped out by the rules and regulations of the education system. After finishing my work sheets for the next lesson or so, I’m always left with time spare. My hands are always itching to write or draw. Even now, when I’m sure my teachers think I’m working hard on this lovely Tuesday morning, all I’m really doing is writing up a blog about how their job is just not right for me. I do feel guilty, looking for a job while at another. The teachers here work so hard and admirably for their students that my feelings, if known, would be somewhat of an insult I’m sure.

There are so many paths I want to take, so many things I want to do with my life and I foolishly feel, at twenty-three, like I’m running out of time. If I told my mother or grandparents this I’m sure they would laugh and tell me to ‘Shut up’ and not to ‘be so silly’, but the truth is, I honestly feel the sands of time are flowing far too quickly in the wrong direction.

In my desperation for some sort of direction in which to head, my head uncomfortably full of the endless possibilities, like too many goldfish crammed in a bowl, I searched for the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator quiz. Sadly, I can’t remember which version I took, and I did only take the one quiz, but the results were so outstandingly accurate ( to a certain degree of course) that I felt no need to search elsewhere.

My result was INFJ, a role categorized as the Counselor, by David Keirsey in his Keirsey Temperament sorter. It’s all very interesting and I may make a more detailed post about it later if you’re interested!

It shocks me how human beings feel the need to categorize ourselves. Be in by gender, sexuality, or personality type, we as human beings more often than not, in my opinion, enjoy belonging somewhere, even if its just a simple category that means next to nothing at all.

I promise more posts about actual Japan soon!